AI Friends and SEL Deserts: Kids Need Nuanced Human Connection More Than Ever

#Achievement Read time:
This idea, “Being annoyed is the price you pay for community,” is making the rounds in my peculiar corner of social media algorithms (original credit for the idea goes to Divya Venn on Twitter/X). It’s an idea that educators are all too familiar with: Some peoples’ kids are just kinda irritating. But to nurture a local community, we must learn to embrace them anyway.

That’s a tall order for students whose lives are easily arranged in their favor, to their specifications, by both doting caregivers and/or the electronics onto which their families farm their care. Worse yet, an uninvolved caregiver leaving kids to stumble through their own physical and digital worlds.

It’s not a secret that social-emotional skills are eroding as technological companionship becomes the norm. People can pick and choose what social encounters they attend, which people they seek out, and which people they block out—literally or figuratively. Back in the day, we called the groups that resulted from this social paring-down “cliques.”

Now, kids can program their own clique in the comfort of their own cell phone. It’s no wonder social interaction and so-called “soft skills” (which are really emotional intelligence and humanity) are difficult to teach. Sure, it’s not impossible to model time management and problem solving, but what about conflict navigation? What about patience? What about tolerance for people who are, well… annoying?

 

Echo chambers’ friendship equivalent

Perhaps an overcorrection of this concept would look like being friends with everyone. No harm in that, but it’s an oversimplification of the issue at hand. There’s a difference between seeking out like-minded people and limiting yourself to only like-minded people. While it’s natural to connect most openly with folks who share your worldview, the tolerance for discomfort in disagreement is the skill at hand. It’s possible for students to practice being able to exist together in good faith (assuming the paradox of tolerance is not breeched).

In an age of deeply held beliefs steering the course for many folks, it’s uncomfortable to sit with those who hold opposing viewpoints. What students (and let’s face it, adults too) are missing is the ability to tolerate discomfort, and that’s a skill that can be practiced. But compared to the instant gratification of an echo chamber or programmable companion, who wants to punish themselves when an easy facsimile is available?

 

DIY your own bestie: Chatbots and lonely kids

There are several options available for people looking to enjoy a mirror-type friendship with a trained artificial intelligence (AI) companion. So many that thinkpieces on the (hopefully) rare but intense side effect of AI/human romance (yes, like in that one movie with ScarJo’s voice) have popped up and made us stop and wonder: Are adults really falling in love with an artificial intelligence?

The answer is an unequivocal yes. This is happening, and to the folks involved it’s a-okay: an answer to the epidemic of isolation sweeping our population.

Sociologist and psychotherapist Sherry Turkle calls it “the greatest assault on empathy.” Users (I beg you to read this word as neighbors, acquaintances, potential friends, humans) endeavor to avoid the vulnerability that comes along with face-to-face interactions and strive to remain in quiet control of how they’re perceived.

Turkle writes that a common refrain she hears in her research is a solid preference for texting over talking. “People want, whenever possible, to keep their social interactions on the screen. Why? It’s because they feel less vulnerable.”

With built-in “My AI” chatbots in apps such as Snapchat, which 60 percent of teens use according to Pew research from 2023, why would adults expect kids to remain immune to the siren song of a custom robot pocket friend?

 

The wrong kind of resilience: Aversion to vulnerability

As more adults pull away from the nuanced and painful spectrum of human connection, kids watch and internalize the process. The message: You’re alone, and you’d better get used to it.

It doesn’t have to be this way, and schools help students and families alike. Schools give families and communities a free and safe third space (that is, space outside of home or work) in which to gather, which has become increasingly rare.

Teachers mindfully crafting classroom management activities can help students (and their grown-ups, by extension) re-learn how to ask for help. We can re-learn how to reach outward, rather than into a device, to gain compassionate support in times of need.

In short, schools can help re-introduce the concept that vulnerability is a skill. A super-skill at that—a fast track to friendship with another person. A safe adult to care about their growth. A bridge to the community around them. What happens when students do not have a lifeline to mainstream society? Extremeism takes root.

 

A generation untethered (except by a lightning cable)

Now, all generations are great and flawed. Still, we compare one to another as a measurement of where society is growing and devolving. Millennials had caregivers worried about our coming of age as digital spaces became the norm—a wild, wild web Gen Z was born into. However, as social media algorithm jockeys from birth, Gen Z takes on the shadow of the famously raised-to-be-self-obsessed “Me Generation.”

Self-reliance has morphed into tech reliance. The result? Hollow connections and the looming risk of debilitating manipulation.

But hey, at least we’re not bugged by annoying peers, right?

 

Follow-up resource: AI and the future of work

What does research tell us about AI and the future of work? Find out.




 
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